Sitcom Pitches

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Achy Breaky Hart

Yes, yes, we get it.
Tony Hart (Tony Hart) suffers from rheumatism and wind. These twin ailments combine to cause similar if not identical scenes of embarrasment in various public places for six weeks, causing someone to tut, shake their head and say "ohhhhh, achy breaky Hart!".

An American in Purley

Rent-A-Ghost meets Huckleberry Finn
19th Century Limey-Hating literary genius Mark Twain (Greg Proops) accidentally eats a lime cursed by an English wizard. As a result he's transported forward in time to early 21st century suburban Britain, where a family of Englishmen (Marcus Brigstocke, Julia Sawalha, Keira Knightley) take him in as a lodger. Mark Twain's irrascible impatience with the English sense of humour is tested on a regular basis, as the family resort to a variety of over-simplistic pranks in order to amuse him.

Between a Rock and a Hard Place

Never the Twain meets Queer as Folk
Brian Rock (Brian Blessed) and Brian Hard (Jeremy Irons) are two gay old men who have a rip-roaring time exploring the vibrant Bournemouth gay scene. Regularly includes graphic scenes of anal fisting.

Dennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnntissssssssssssssst!

Jam meets Smack The Pony meets a bunch of dickheads
Neurotic dentist Evelyn Strepp (Mark Heap) and his hygienist Candida (Sally Phillips) have their hands full with a range of patients from all across the dark comedy spectrum. Lisa (Amelia Bullmore) has cancer of the teeth, Roger (the bloke who Alan Partridge shouted 'Dan! Dan!' at) is a paedophile and has cancer, and Pugh (Ronnie Corbett?) has a fully dressed dead wife locked in his bedroom that he makes cry by use of foot pump operated eye-fountains, and has cancer. Jokes in all cases are signified by long pregnant pauses and someone slowing the scene down then speeding it back up again.

WEEK 1
"A brave new comedy. You'll watch through your fingers!"
:= Jim Shelley, The Mirror

WEEK 2
"Oh, hang on, does everyone else think this is shit? THIS IS SHIT!"
:- Jim Shelley, The Mirror

Doctor Schmocter

It Ain't Alf Hot Mum meets Dr Quinn, Medicine Woman
Irrascible retired local GP (Geoffrey Palmer) is dismayed when an eccentric herbalist (Sanjeev Bhaskar) moves in next door. His wife (Felicity Kendal), meanwhile, swears by her new neighbour's mysterious remedies...

Heil Honey! I'm Home

Schindlers List meets Married with Children
I know this doesn't count as a pitch as it really existed, but just to put anything else in perspective: This was a sitcom based on Hitler and Braun's love hate relationship with their Jewish neighbours.

Kay's Catalogue

Bottle Boys meets Portnoy's Complaint

Chirpy lanky gurning fucking idiot Vernon Kay has a brand new catalogue full of ladies in their bras, but his efforts to peruse it are continously thwarted by his inquisitous neighbour Gorden Kaye, his landlady the scriptwriter Kay Mellor and his best mate K-RS One.

Kicking People In The Bollocks

prankssssss``111!!!
From the makers of 'Balls Of Steel' comes this outrageous new prank show 'Kicking People In The Bollocks'. Watch through tears of mirth and disbelief as Channel 4's crack team of no-mark fucking idiots take to the streets and kick members of the public in the bollocks then watch the reaction! Perhaps they could sometimes be dressed in funny costumes or something.





Followed by


JUSTIN LEE COLLINS KICKS PEOPLE FROM THE 80S IN THE BOLLOCKS.

Monkeys Go Moo!

A bad student revue meets the BBC3 gravy train
Kerrin Chops and Dom Hair, aka Edinburgh festival regulars The Principality Of Wowwwwww, play two hapless safari tour guides, who get into 25 minute boil-in-the-bag surrealism tinged scrapes featuring zoological life. In all cases this surrealism is provided by mentioning animals doing things that animals don't normally do.

Straw Dogs

Bremner Bird & Fortune meet the Chucklehounds
Follow the adventures of Jack Straw's two pet dogs and the madcap cast of characters they encounter when 'daddy' goes to work.



EPISODE 1

Oh no! The dogs haven't been eating their carrots! They've just shaken paws with naughty Robert Moo-Gabe, the horrid bullying cow. Michael Bow-Wow-Ward (STUDIO NOTE: TOO CONTRIVED. HOW ABOUT MICHAEL SOW-WARD, A PIG? WHAT DO YOU THINK?) is laughing over the fence.

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