Author: The Mighty Reptile | Submitted: Nov 27 2004 at 12:29:10 PM Taking The Biscuit!!! Biscuits, as am in no doubt you understand, are without question the finest of mans creations. Over the centuries many have written in praise of the noble biscuit; in the book of Acts (chapter 16 verse 25) it is written: “And lo Elijah came upon the land of the Ephesians in the vale of Methuel and there he did raise a mighty Bourbon and loudly did the sons Elumen proclaimed “verily the Lord is great in his biscuity goodness, let us take this Bourbon to our place of snacking and dunk it forthwith in tea.” And as Shakespeare wrote in his fabled eighteenth sonnet: “Is it for a man that he may be caught, stricken, between the polar fortitude of Hobnob and Caramel Cream that he may lay in his human frailty a selection, fanlike upon a plate.”
However there is one thing about biscuits that is currently really getting my goat and that is people leaving a single biscuit in the packet, being a denizen of the “creative industries” I find that my work place often becomes a place of surreptitious biscuit snaffling and in practically all respects I approve whole heartedly of this practice however many is the day that I find myself confronted by the sight of a biscuit packet containing one solitary biscuit and I find my self asking, why? Why did some one leave the last biscuit? What is wrong with it? And finally I realise this: There is nothing wrong biscuit it is, if you will, a confectionary signifier for some of the most annoying things about the English.
It seems that while it is OK to eat an entire packet of biscuits finishing the packet is verboten, finishing the packet makes you greedy, you can eat hundreds of biscuits, thousands even but as long as you don’t finish the packet you can say to yourself, “I am not really a vast overstuffed pig-monster; look I’ve left the last biscuit, how’s that for self control”
What is the biscuit for???? Is it in case a starving Sudanese child happens to be passing you can provide succour in the form of a slightly stale Hobnob? The really annoying thing is that when confronted by the solo biscuit remnant the temptation is to leave it, something inside says: “no I can’t finish the packet that would be unfair as someone may need it more than me?” Need it more!! Need it more!! IT’S A FUCKING BISCUIT NOT SOME FORM ULTRA RARE HEART MEDICINE. Nobody needs the biscuit, wants – yes, desires – sure but needs? Fuck off! The beauty of the biscuit is its frivolousness so treat it with respect and don’t leave it lying around, remember there are people starving in the world today so eat up and be grateful you pampered, capitalist, western fuck-knuckle.
|
