Author: The Mighty Reptile | Submitted: Mar 31 2004 at 11:04:39 AM Toilet Attendants (The below rant is only relevant to men’s toilets, sorry everybody!)
Being a cautious sort of a reptile I am of the opinion that you should keep the number of people in the toilets of any bar or club down to a minimum. The reasons for this are many: What if somebody spontaneously combusts in one of the cubicles? What if genetically mutated amphibian rats start crawling out of the urinals (it could get ugly)? Think about the terrible possibilities and I think you will agree with me that one should keep lavatorial crowding down to an absolute minimum.
Bearing this in mind it really pisses me off that over the last few years many drinking establishments have taken it on themselves to employ toilet attendants, people who hang around in their toilets with a wad of tissue paper and all kinds of colourful perfumes, aftershaves, lollipops (!) and weird, barely identifiable grooming products, poised to leap out on any unsuspecting passer-by in a flurry of tap turning and CK B.
Being an adult and not too mentally disadvantaged, I have for some years now been able to perform most of the tasks required when going to the toilet by my self, even when fairly pissed. And find the presence of these lavatorial hustlers nothing more than an annoyance.
Two tactics employed by toilet attendants particularly irritate me:
Firstly is the tactic of turning on the tap as you approach the sink, this interjects the attendant into the hand washing process even before it starts. This means that even before becoming aware there were even basins in the same room you have taken advantage of the attendants labour and therefore should pay them for the service.
Then there is the tactic of holding onto the paper towels:
This means that when you have washed your hands you are left with two choices; either approach the attendant for the hand drying equipment and again make use of their labour. (Labour corresponds to payment in our capitalistically programmed minds) or go back to the bar with wet hands.
The fact is that the toilet attendant works at a strange intersection of our embarrassment about being waited on and our embarrassment about hygiene and is another example of people exploiting our conventional sensibilities (sensibilities we have, for the most part had foisted on us at an early age and about which we can do very little) in order to extract money from us and it gets right up my nose.
Some may say that having an employee in the toilet allows the establishment to invest more in the services they provide (aftershaves etc), well maybe this is true but the likelihood is that if you didn’t come to the club wearing aftershave you aren’t going to put any on while in the toilet for fear of having the almighty piss ripped out of you by your assembled mates. Equally if you have come with aftershave you are unlikely to want it topped up for fear of asphyxiating everyone that comes within a metre of you at the bar. Maybe you might want a piece of chewing gum? But seriously; do you want to pay 20p for it? No you don’t!
I hope I haven’t given the impression I hate the people who work as toilet attendants themselves, I am sure they are wonderful caring people who just happen to spend Friday and Saturday nights standing around in toilets. However it is my firm belief that we simply do not need them, this probably makes me a hypocrite. Holey Jesus! Maybe I am a hypocrite!!, calm down, you’re being pulled through into the text… @what the FUCK!! make me a hy[p…..
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. ..[No,]—t-[.e ..al culprits in this sad debacle are the owners and managers of the establishments which employ the attendants, in some rush of colonial pomp; they have come to the conclusion that a certain kind of stage presence and spending will bring a like reward in some way, be it monetary or simply in the form of kudos.
To be honest many of the clubs I have been to really didn’t require an attendant, it really looked like the thinking was: “slap some bloke in there, it will add a bit of class.” The poor fucking guy is standing around in puddles of piss, to add class? What the fuck is that all about? The fact that I can gain entry to these establishments (being as I am an eleven foot long lizard) may act as some indicator of how disreputable they are. Only deeply depraved and upsetting people will allow an eleven-foot long lizard into their establishment. Maybe they are providing employment but its hardly high quality employment and frankly it looks much more like a kind of aristocratic folly along the lines of employing a hermit to live in a cave on your estate updated for the new breed of twenty-first century ubermensch. We don’t need them, give the poor bastards a proper job behind the bar or something and stop this masturbatory ego massage. I can almost see the idea oozing across the mind of some coked up club owner now: “I know, I’ll employ someone and then just have them stand around in the toilet for hours doing absolutely fuck all. I can do that because I am rich, powerful and resplendent in my magnanimity [though ‘resplendent in my magnanimity’ will in most cases be replaced by ‘a geeeeeezer’ because most club owners are illiterate gangsters] I am king of the world!” Not king of the world my friend, cunt of the county seems more apt. Stop acting like some Victorian landowner and review your staffing policy or before long you will have a whole lot of personal injury claims on your hands from toilet attendants claiming to have been bitten by genetically mutated amphibian rats, you have been warned.
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