The CKGT Guide to Roasting a Pig

If you want to cook yourself a really excellent pig. Then the steps are as follows:

1. Dig yourself a nice big hole

2. Go get yourself a pig. Look! This one still has the kidneys! We chopped them up and cooked them. Then we put them in our mouths.

3. If possible, get yourself a nice burly New Zealander, and get him to build you some metal frames for holding the pig. Kiwinkey here built the frames out of steel tubing from B&Q, some bolts and wire. He had a drill as well, and he cut himself many times with it.

4. Line the hole with aluminium foil, and put some big stones in to keep the foil down and to hold the heat in the middle (the charcoal should be placed around the edge.

5. Arrange blocks around the outside to keep the pig even higher off the charcoal

6. Salt one side of the pig, cover the other side with Charlie's Special Voodoo Marinade, attach it to one of the frames, and pause for the photo-opportunity.

7. Attach the other frame to the other side, and carry the pig to the fire.

8. Put the pig on the fire, and it should start cooking pretty soon.

9. If it starts to rain, you may need to protect the precious cargo from dampening

10. Make sure the pig is high enough from the flames. You may need to add some more bricks to make sure it's OK

11. If you know any girls, then they can be employed to sit around on, drinking Pimms and giggle at the stupid men.

12. When you think the skin is cooking nicely (about 3 hours). You might want to turn the pig over

13. The skin should be nicely cooked (we actually burnt it a bit, but it was still nice).

14. Now is probably a good time for everyone to get a drink and talk about how great meat is

15. If you want you can pass the time by pointing at interesting things

16. The girls may be getting bored by this time, so you may want to think about taking them back to the shop where you got them, and changing them for a nice video game or something

17. Soon enough it will be time to take the beast off the fire

18. And then you're all ready for a nice picture with the completed pig. Mmm! I wish I had one of those right now!