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Bitch!

For Women Who Do.
Featuring articles such as:
Thin celebrities; aren't they a bunch of irresponsible bitches.
"...Don't you hate really thin celebrities, they are making young girls annorexic by giving them impossible targets to reach."
Fat Celebrities; Why Bother?
"...call yourself a singer you blubbery whale beast, why don't you go on a diet or have you developed a pie adiction."
Unbiased journalism at its finest.

Dregs-Watch!

People no one cares about examined in detail!
Hello, I'm The New Shmoo! I'm being paid to endorse DREGS-WATCH!, the magazine for when you've finished Heat and Closer and just need that little bit extra to tide you over until next week, before you go all clammy and start shaking and do a sick!



THIS WEEK



Bodger and Badger: Is it still love?

Denholm Elliot without makeup: gorrrrr, he looks a bit rough, doesn't he, girls?

At home with one of the Grumbleweeds! Look, you can see his CD collection in the photo if you look really close!

What do Spuggie from Byker Grove's tarot cards say about her?



DREGS-WATCH! They're celebrities, too! In a way.

McDonald's

Mmm, Bling Bling Burgers
A group of young children dressed in gangster rapper outfits and toting guns with dead hookers slung over their shoulders rap about the succulence and tastiness of the new Bling Bling Burger, Bitch.

New Formula Shampoo

Fertilise Your Hair
"The technichians at Laboratoir Gibon have harnesed the cleansing action of Buffalo dung." Cue sequenses of women exstatically massaging dirty green/brown lather into their hair followed by animation of particles of Shitterol-P and Dungeroids coating hairs and making the shine like new. "clinically proven to increase silkiness by up to 60% (using the Burns-Johnson standard silkiness scale)" Could feature Natalie Ambrouglia or Milla Jovavich.

No Win No Fee Legal Representation

Making Stupid People Wealthy Since 1998
A black and white office scene, an average looking man is going about his work when he walks into a clearly marked door, he falls over rubbing his head.

Cut to a smartly dressed young man standing next to a flat screen infront of a well lit call centre staffed by sparkly and telegenic young people.

Man - "Are you stupid? Totally stupid? Are you Totally stupid, greedy and liable to blame everyone else for your mistakes? Then we can make you rich."

Grinning faces and amounts of money flash up on the flat screen.

Man - "Gladice Williams hurt her arm while drunk in charge of a forklift, she won £150,000.
Tony Belldean hit himself in the face with a spade while on his allotment, he won £60,000 and the right to have sex with his bosses daughter."

The man is joined at this point by a ten foot tall pink hippo dressed as barrister.

Man - "We've helped these and stupid people like them win large ammounts of money for accidents that many would regard as their own fault. So if you fancy some quick cash call us on this number and Mr Liti and I will see what we can do."

Totally Clips Of The Hart!

at last...the DVD that is totally clips of the Hart!
Ever bought a DVD that isn't made up entirely of clips of Tony Hart? I know, frustrating isn't it? Well, here's one that is!





Over 90 mins of clips of Tony Hart! Just him! No boring cutaways to Morph or one of his helpers! Just Tony Hart! Sometimes in slow motion! Occasionally sped up! Profiles! Arial views! Closeups through a fish eye lens! But all....totally clips of the Hart!





Once upon a time you were falling in love, now you're only falling apart? You know what to do.....TOTALLY CLIPS OF THE HART!





Also available from the same range


FOUR KESTRELS MANOEUVRE IN THE DARK

Toyota Espresso

You'll never want to see another vehicle, ever. Seeing other vehicles will make you vomit. You like Toyota. They are the best.
Sleekly lit sports car morphs into giant metallic swallow that soars over traffic-filled motorways, finally landing at a 1920's style art deco house and disgorges a dapperly dressed fop from the early twentieth century. He catches sight of his unbelievably beautiful wife semi-naked in the bedroom window, beckoning him to come to bed. He pauses, in a moment of indecision, before climbing back into the car and flying away into the sunset.

Ugg!

The new magazine by MEN, for MEN!

MEN! You know what it's like to be a MAN! You like drinking football and watching beer, but only when you're not wanking, eh, MEN? You don't want words in your magazines! Words are for girls and bummers.

UGG! has no words. Don't expect words from UGG! Just pictures of Holly Valance stood next to some beer and a football! WHOOOOAARRRGGGGGH! Go on, have a wank! See if you can wank and drink at the same time! Whilst scoring a goal! Go AWWWWN, YOU'RE A MAAAAAAAAAAAN! YOU CAN DO IT!

Wear

The new fragrance from Calvin Klein.
Wear is a state of being.
THIS is who I am.
See me.
Wear.
The new fragrance from Calvin Klein.

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